[5] Deep hole
Tuesday, 18th February, 2025, written in the morning - and writing it felt like getting blood from a stone.
Hello - it’s been a little while, hasn’t it?
I realised yesterday that I’ve been at the bottom of a hole!
I get periods of depression, interspersed with bright days or a gentle mania. I’m not the depressive who’s in a fugue state for months on end, with no recourse in sight. I’m an up-and-down depressive, dipping below the surface of the water for days or weeks at a time, resurfacing for desperate, fitful gasps of air before I sink below again.
I’m fairly good at recognising when I’m in this cycle, nowadays, and can do things to mitigate it: keep up with my self-care, push myself to engage in my hobbies even though I don’t feel like it, actively work to keep my eyes pointed at the sky rather than down at the ground. I keep this up for as long as I can, until the depression cedes defeat and I begin to wake up in the mornings feeling lighter; freer.
The part of depression I’m bad at recognising is when it’s getting worse. When it’s going to stick around for longer than I know how to cope with. The self-care rituals serve to hide the sharp edges of how bad it’s become, and inevitably, I run out of energy for said rituals - you can only tread water for so long. I’ve been trying to climb the sheer walls of this hole I’ve been trapped in for a few weeks, and now I’m tired. I give up my handholds and fall, dejected, to the floor of the pit. I stare at the bright blue window of sky far above me and wonder if it’s somehow gotten smaller; or is it that I’m deeper?
I’m finding fun in some things, at least. Astro Bot is a fucking godsend. It’s the art of fun, engineered within an inch of its life to deliver joy. It’s exactly what I need right now and I know it’ll hold a special place in my heart for being an escape. The plans my partner and I are slowly but surely making to move to Edinburgh at the end of this year are a light at the end of the tunnel, as I grow unhappier in this particular part of Bristol every day for myriad reasons. And, there’s always the relief that I’ve endured worse mental health issues. I know first-hand it could be so much worse, and can be glad that it’s not.
I’ve not had much to write about because doing much of anything lately has been tough. But I’m keeping my chin above the waterline.
Thanks for reading.
Finished Bram Stoker’s Dracula recently and enjoyed it very much - wasn’t expecting the ‘found footage’ approach.
Rounded out Becky Chambers’ Wayfarers series in January, so capped it with the short-but-sweet To Be Taught If Fortunate as a return to easy-to-read sci-fi after Dracula. Definitely keen to read more of her in future.
Astro Bot rules. I wasn’t expecting to like it as much as I do.
Coots is extra cute in the winter. I’m so thankful to have her.
My partner and I went to a new pizza place - Gigi’s Pizza in Old Market - and we’ll definitely be going back. I’m carrying a film camera with me nowadays, trying to get back into the habit. It’s an Olympus XA2 my dad refurbed for me.
